geez...it's been a while since i updated this thing. not that all that many people are keeping up with it that i dont talk to on like a daily basis.
what am i supposed to be doing at the moment?.......writing a paper for the class i'm REALLY about to fail.....but yet i'm on here. addicted to the comp would be me.
a story will be posted soon about thanksgiving. it's not as grand as it could be, but, well, it's a story.
i am so weird. i am really seeing that right now. i think too much. that is a fact, but i cant decide if it's a problem or not. sometimes it is, sometimes not. it just depends on the situation. i love to watch people and analyze what they are doing, why, and what they are thinking.
i used to not be a "girl". i was friends with guys who already had girlfriends and when asked for advise i back the guys in realtionships, not the psyco girls. so how is it that i've turned or am turnign into one of those girls. the ones who freak out bout everything. it's funny to an extent and i ould always see the girls point of view, but the guys just made more sense. how is it that i cant focus on that now?
i always got told things like "why cant i ever find a girl who thinks like u" and "u would make a much better girlfriend" and etc stuff on thise lines.
i told michael thurs night that i think i'd rather be friends with him and ddate somebody else bc i want to actually talk to him. i used to talk to him. i still do, but it's weird (or was weird) to talk to him about him. which is a MAJOR thinking pool for me.
i have like NO control over anything. i know this is the case. and i keep getting slapped in the face with it. i used to really be a control freak. i wanted to make decisions for people, keep them out of trouble, make them think, make them just do what i wanted. no i didnt try to force people to do things my way, that's not what i'm saying. i wanted them to make the choice, but to secretely know that i made that choice for them before they actually decided to do it and that i have that control. yes that sounds weird. but i do it
the more i try to control things, even things that directly involve me, prolly more so those things, the more things fall apart. i've known this. it's not something new. but i still do it.
i really wanted to talk to michael. not really anything in particular just have a nice talk. we rarely ever have time to talk anymore. but it seems like things always come up so that that doesnt happen. is that a sign? i think it is. it's a sign for me to be patient. DON'T EVER ASK FOR PATIENCE!....and wait. to let God control things, becasue He does anyways. becasue when the time is right for something it workd out anyway. at the right time, in the way it's suppose to, and leaves me more peaceful. i KNOW this, but i still want to contol stuff like when i talk and when i don't.
thursday night michael came to montevallo to see me. i wanted to talk to him, and he was coming, sound like a good thing.....yes it does.....but em, who usually isnt here on thurs, was still here. so we all three sat in our room. i cant really talk that way. so i have to put it off. then fri. i wasnt gonna go home, but i did anyway. i wanted to talk to michael. well then we went with his mother to wal-mart. well when there are 3 and especially when one is HIS mother, we dont talk that much. so nothing of importace of unimportane was said.
fri night i declared that i was about to give up. when i get to the breaking point is when the time actually works out. when i give it up, i make progress. does that make sense? well kinda.
saturday i drove back to UM to feed, and to write my paper (yes, the one i still havne really started for the class i'm about to fail......NOT SMART JO!)....then i drove right back home to help michael (i don't think i helped that much, i just delegated and tried to keep progress moving) roof his granddad's store. then sat night my cuz wanted us to go eat with her and her boyfriend who acts more like her brother, which basically scares me.
sat night we went back to my house and it all began to unfold. i cant even explain. it was just, in one word: GOOD. we, or i, talked. a lot of stuff got said, but there was nothing really said. i was truely myself. i still try to cover that person up. especially to him. i think it's becasue i dont care if people reject me when they don't really know me. i can put on a show, or only let people know part of me. the part i think they would like. and if they don't well no loss to me. that doesnt hurt my feelings. but to be rejected by somebody that really KNOWS me, would actually possible kill me. i honestly don't think i could handle that.
but the thing is. he doees know me. the real me. and he hasnt rejected me. he likes me more when i'm me. but i still try to hide behind all this other crap. i don't want him to know me. but he already does. i'm afraid he's gonna see that i'm weird and he's gonna go running. but he already knows that.
i do this with all people, but why do i still do it with the people who know me best?
we rebonded on another level. (and no not a physical level). we just reached an honesty that we both try to avoid. i've said like a billion times i dont know how this works bc we are too much alike. we react to things in the same way. we both sull up. we both are stubborn as everything. we both aviod eye contact. we both watch people and try to figure them out (although he doesnt admit it as much as me) i analyze too much where he just goes into "chill mode" and doesnt stress. we are both better listeners, whcih means nobody does the talking. we both fed off of what other people say or bring to the conversation. our communication skills are like zero, yet it still works.
it amazes me how things work out. i mean really. when i stop freakin out and thinking i can see so much clearer. i see what God wants me to see. what i've been shown the whole time. and this workd in all aspects, not just with michael. he just amazes me even more becasue i put so much effort into not screwing this up, when me effort is what becomes the problem.
also more so, it amazes me when things work out. nothing happens by chance. everything has a reason. when i see those things, i'm completely amazed. little things, like not talking, well i needed the good talk when it came, i tried to force it earlier and just got mad. yet i still dont seem to learn my lesson to just LET GO.
i can see why people i am around are there. i see the role of just about complete strangers, or friends, or the odd guy that nobody likes. i see how these people shape who i am and how everybody forms everybody.
i HAVE to write my paper.....i'll continue in my la de da later.
leave me a comment.
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